Sugary Heart !!

I keep looking forward…as there is no option to turn back and correct everything. Life is creating an illusion now and it is dominating me to consider that there are very faded chances of meeting the “me” I used to be yesterday again. It feels like a few days back from now, in the coffee shop, that we giggled and pinched each other while talking about the kind of people we would never be. Here I am, today, forcing me to go through the only way to keep up to myself, the only way to be approved by everyone about my sanity is by being what we both never wanted to be. It has been almost 1 year since the coffee shop laughter.

My early morning heading out to work was also an escape from the house. I do not need to lend my ears to listen to corrective improvement activities that anonymous human being should do in order to relief the social burden of having me as a part of the livelihood. Surprisingly, the pride of being able to stand up to my thought process shatters into pieces when these kind words are guided to follow into my ears. I made a smart escape for the day to the unloved workplace, much dearer to me for today. 

I docked my laptop and checked my emails. Nothing noticeable is overflowing my mailbox so far. I can treat myself to moderate my body caffeine. It is a gloomy day, cool breeze with little drizzles that visit and vanish from the face of the earth are like my tears. I enjoy it to the fullest. Am I nourishing my emotions to thrive and nurture in the warmth of my regrets. No, I cannot do that. That is an erroneous advance and definitely not what my rationality authorizes me to do. I am not here to transact with inconsequential issues and uncover solution to make up for all the fingers that point me. As the superior words flow, it is ok to formulate changes when circumstances obliges to and here I am crafting the inventory of amendments that I was never taught for all these years but now expected to be. This is a slumber feeling of loosing me. This is a soar pain of insecurity where I can see myself vanishing in the crowd of the cattle class. I am walking into the darkness of the night. My psyche drifts away again. I know how deep a swimming pool can be, I can see the refracted image from the surface. What if I knowingly, dive in, and fail to come out. What if I go far towards the bottom with the wish to touch the floor of the pool and find it difficult to breathe? What if my limbs give up fighting my way back? What if I manage to come out and find darkness all around me? What if I had stayed there too long inside the saline water and changed into a different person who the mirror too refuses to recognize.

I look into the creamy heart of my cappuccino that was served. It is beautiful and admirable till I dispense a pack of brown sugar and stir it up. That is what happens to a human heart as well. We are filled up with sugary love and finally stirred. I sip my coffee and brain storm while it drizzles and stops and comes back again. Water droplets hit my face and few make friend with the tears in my eyes. Paranoid thoughts coming back to me and I hate to think any further. I get up and prepare to leave.