13 day ~ Lucky or unlucky

13 more days left for my life to take a new direction. As I look back into all the years, days and times, I try to understand Life backwards; it will offer me with norms that will make me live forwards. There has always been a lot of learning from the appreciative, sensitive and the understanding people around. They are the ones who filled my life with compassion, gentleness, and deep loving concern. To be with them has offered a lot of lessons in life. I have realized that even fools look at things and know, the point lies in making sense to it, to be understood and to create the 1^st step of acceptance. Creativity is a hidden silence. Looking for it is like seeking peace. Relationship also is on similar lines. One should understand even when they do not understand. There lies the creation of an aesthetically active person. These people help you distinguish between the ones we've known forever and are still unknown. We determine through them about whom to preserve in fond memories and whom to move on with. They are the ones who make small things happen to you till something really strong occurs. 

Wake Up Call......!!

I can see, from here, the repeatation of the mistake you so run away with. Few years from now, you will once again, be more disappointed by the things that you did not correct and did not change than the things that you did.

We fail to see the things happening around us in the way they are. We see them the way we are. Hence, the presnt is leading to become worse than the past and less resolved than the future.

For me, I dn't know what it would be....though I am prepared to be with your constant not so cooperating ways. For you, it could be another terrible waking up when you could no more catch the trade wind in your sail.

That is the morning when I will not be there to answer what the world will need. Today, tomorrow and my whole life through, the only thing I have beleived the world to need is waking up.More people needs to wake up to the passing time and loosing moments of life.

Duty

Life has suddenly filled up with list of mundane doings that I dont want to do but know that i have to and i should do. Soft living has become the theme that is inseparably connected.

It is getting me nowhere but to the guilt of ultimate complicasy. It is the golden rule that lets one do all the things that is never wished to do less. The mind today is tempted to break free from all the duties that are faithfully put on me with the thankless stars on my shoulder.

It hold me forever, like a crutch, when i know that I have my own leg to walk away to the path I want to. I am not a Puritan, not devine, nor a samurai. Listen to my unwelcome truth and let me free.


I am not meant to be in this, though it makes me think that i would survive it in a hopeless way.

The Mirror !!

There are about 60 odd steps to go. A destination filled with anticipation and conceptions that is being proved incorrect with every move. The moments so dear to me is transforming into meaningless episodes that I just want to pass and forget.

I wish I never repent to all the things I had always wanted to make into little cherishing happiness till yesterday. Today has been a very long day. The longest day of facing the truth about what it wasn’t all about. Today is the day, when the broken pieces of mirror across the floor, with the stains of the red color oozing out from my hand, which I looked so hopefully into tomorrow, is painful.

I had loved the mirror so dearly; it used to be my favorite creation of colorful painting. I will miss it so much but since life goes on, I will accommodate with the mirror of this habitat. I will never paint it bright or decorate it and love the look of it or look for my dreams through it. I will let be.

Abir - The bravery to revisit your Childhood

The sweet innocence that lies beside you today is the bundle of joy. This occasion of your life is what you have received and while you got it, kiss every twinkle of it and take every opportunity. Enjoy this chapter like a piece of cake, entirely for you, in this world.

As those tiny happiness ruptures into every smile of yours, seize on to it. This is something that is not only good for you at this moment; it is the very raison d'être why you don't have something better. It is the best, a paramount. This is the revisit of your childhood dreams...be disillusioned, be stupid, be of poor judgment and be in love with this bundle of joy. Live the life of your imaginations. Capture every moment close to your heart and you will find yourself dwelling in a beautiful world. We do not loose anyone, since we do not own anyone. That is the true experience of building the center of all happiness without signing an agreement of ownership. Break free to this lustful life, walk the road with the tiny feet, rediscover your life to meet yourself again and again. This life is your colorful rebirth- Happy Birthday !!

Sugary Heart !!

I keep looking forward…as there is no option to turn back and correct everything. Life is creating an illusion now and it is dominating me to consider that there are very faded chances of meeting the “me” I used to be yesterday again. It feels like a few days back from now, in the coffee shop, that we giggled and pinched each other while talking about the kind of people we would never be. Here I am, today, forcing me to go through the only way to keep up to myself, the only way to be approved by everyone about my sanity is by being what we both never wanted to be. It has been almost 1 year since the coffee shop laughter.

My early morning heading out to work was also an escape from the house. I do not need to lend my ears to listen to corrective improvement activities that anonymous human being should do in order to relief the social burden of having me as a part of the livelihood. Surprisingly, the pride of being able to stand up to my thought process shatters into pieces when these kind words are guided to follow into my ears. I made a smart escape for the day to the unloved workplace, much dearer to me for today. 

I docked my laptop and checked my emails. Nothing noticeable is overflowing my mailbox so far. I can treat myself to moderate my body caffeine. It is a gloomy day, cool breeze with little drizzles that visit and vanish from the face of the earth are like my tears. I enjoy it to the fullest. Am I nourishing my emotions to thrive and nurture in the warmth of my regrets. No, I cannot do that. That is an erroneous advance and definitely not what my rationality authorizes me to do. I am not here to transact with inconsequential issues and uncover solution to make up for all the fingers that point me. As the superior words flow, it is ok to formulate changes when circumstances obliges to and here I am crafting the inventory of amendments that I was never taught for all these years but now expected to be. This is a slumber feeling of loosing me. This is a soar pain of insecurity where I can see myself vanishing in the crowd of the cattle class. I am walking into the darkness of the night. My psyche drifts away again. I know how deep a swimming pool can be, I can see the refracted image from the surface. What if I knowingly, dive in, and fail to come out. What if I go far towards the bottom with the wish to touch the floor of the pool and find it difficult to breathe? What if my limbs give up fighting my way back? What if I manage to come out and find darkness all around me? What if I had stayed there too long inside the saline water and changed into a different person who the mirror too refuses to recognize.

I look into the creamy heart of my cappuccino that was served. It is beautiful and admirable till I dispense a pack of brown sugar and stir it up. That is what happens to a human heart as well. We are filled up with sugary love and finally stirred. I sip my coffee and brain storm while it drizzles and stops and comes back again. Water droplets hit my face and few make friend with the tears in my eyes. Paranoid thoughts coming back to me and I hate to think any further. I get up and prepare to leave.

Jinx of Love !!

(Post conversation with a closest friend..............., I too spoke to myself!!)

Why do people suddenly get ready for marriage? Is it love, is it self decision to keep a  promise to be with each other, is it looking forward to togetherness or is it the fear of loneliness that intensifies after every body else got married.

I just came across two perfectly good people who finally got into a very imperfect situation called marriage and within a short period of time, started dragging it to an extent that they now finally await the judge’s approval to call it a TATA BYE BYE.

Love is never disrespectful, if it is, then it is not Love. We must think it over and over again. We all  deserve better life. One partner is not entitled to emotionally manipulate the other to do something they do not believe in.

Darn....................none of us get married for so called love they sing in the Bollywood flicks and the romance of the Mills and Boons series. Does love just pass us by nowadays or is it that it doesn’t exist at all. We all finally get married for all the wrong reasons.

Does anyone think about mere companionship of doing things together? Did anyone ask before marriage what is required, what will be combated and what can be worked out together? Does anyone decide of build a house with the complete effort of the 2 people whose dreams will be nurtured in it without advices and nosing of all the 3rd elements in their surrounding? 

It is never so, Hence, the other partner keeps on funding themselves in the rut and finally lives in a every second day situation which land the relationship into a phase too good to leave and too bad to stay.

Simplicity............!!

Simple accomplishments and thoughts revisit me as the foundation of being here and existing in your world. Life has more than just us to deal with and our things to make happen, it also consists of clutters, some unavoidable ones. Out of these clutters, we have to initiate and search for minimalism.

True elegance and sophistication lies within the unfussiness of mind. That is the keynote of wealth of goodness. This will build our strength and keep us going. When confronted by difficult moral choices, I follow my elegance and choose to do what is right instead of what is beneficial. As I keep up my best foot forward simplifying this life, solitude will not remain with me for long, weakness will not remain around me and complications will not hunger around me.

This will offer a life more loving, more trust worthy and more wishful. My wishes are patient enough to be endured and simple enough to be believed. I know how to face my needs that stand on my path like problems- will distinguish the necessary from the real and daring life of impulsive passion. I see the tragedy there and I have learned to let go. This letting go is about consciousness, is about throwing the light on the terrible truth that one so tries to keep aside.

Here we call us strong, where we need to be only aggressive; we act to be free, but we merely are licensed; we act to be compassionate, we need to be polite; we pretend to be good, but we are required to be well behaved. We have to adopt to live simply, beautifully and truthfully.

Why invite fatality in order to call ourselves brave, and bury ourselves like thieves from life?

Truth.................... !!

The moment of truth is here. When I look around I see people trying to be who they are not. Being the cool they are not, being the stable they are not and being the fighter they are not. They are not my problem as well. Their problems are another completely different set of people who know and are exactly what they know about themselves.


I am one of them. Being a rebel for everything is definitely not the being correct. But being what I think is correct is not being wrong as well. I am what I believe in and I disgust being who I am not. I also disgust people who act to be what they are not. I feel repugnance towards the ones who fail to be themselves and struggle to be someone else.

There is no harm in quenching ones thirst of knowledge. There is no harm in diving into the darkness of disbelief to finally find the light of what is scientifically worth believing. Generation hand over their manuscripts of knowledge and as they move from 1st hand to a 2nd hand down the cohorts, they formulate every declaration of the script according to their convenience. There is no greatness in being imprudent and carrying over what has been handed to you. Imprudence is so filled with antipathy. And performing a transaction with the antipathy is worse. That is what I tend to discover myself doing now and then. That is when I knock the door of nothingness where I reach a moment of complete darkness. I feel numb, I feel drugged and I feel as if I am sinking to nothingness.

That…is the moment to face the truth. That is the moment to move away, move a step back and open up to the starlit sky. That is the moment to realize that I have to move on and I have to stay on, I have to adopt silence and I have to make sense, I have to move far away and I have to find myself.

The Hinge ~ 2 people !!

In a relationship, indifference and negligence do much more damage than outright dislike. An ideal situate of soul mates do not exist anywhere today. At times, people get lucky and meet someone who is the right one for them. Their combined flaws are arranged in such a way that they are perfectly hinged together. That is when they fall in love with each other- maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever. During these ups and downs of deciding the corridor of togetherness, keeping the hinge tight is a greater effort to achieve. I've often wondered what makes a relationship last...and I have always concluded to find that everything we love finally finishes off, including the love itself. Breaking even from everything is definitely difficult but one needs to stop punishing themselves for something they couldn't help. Sometimes things happen to people and they're not equipped to deal with them. Seldom does it happen that a relationship is not a little disguised and not a little mistaken. That is where disappointment comes in as heartbreak. In a relationship, no one has the right to say or do anything that diminishes you in your own eyes. It does not matter what you think of me, what matters is what I think of myself. Hurting someone's dignity is a crime. In that case, never be in such a relationship that is bonded with trailed disappointment. After all, you cannot loose something you never had.

The Psych.................. !!

I always wanted a life less torturous. There are already countless surprising events in our years to live, over which we have no control. The slightest we can do is making our fixations less complicated and more undemanding and welcoming. Lately, things have neither been welcoming and nor been significance celebrating. I do not sense anything at all on the subject of this intact obsession akin to what I used to experience without this succession of episodes.


Now, I let it go. I suffer like I am swimming against the current. It is exhausting me. After a while, I will not battle anymore with you. I can fight with someone close to me, with whom I want to win or loose. You all will not matter anymore. Whoever you are, you will also just have to let go, and the river will take me along and bring me home. Home is the state of my mind where I was, alone but not lonely like I am today. Today I see yet again the people so defined and so alike. Different places have their own characters, but the people begin to look the same. You look so similar to every other person who is week in front of their own devils. I do not possibly relate to them, I do not relate to, “The” you I do not know.


I’d rather, to the “us” who I have always known. I'd rather be a freak than a clone.

The work of fire is to burns; that's its nature, and you can't anticipate or even imagine altering that. You have to be able to use it to cook your food or to burn down your house. And is the fire you use for cooking any different from the one you use for burning? And does that mean you should eat your food raw? Think about it……. Should you not learn to use the fire in the way it is to be? I would not ask you not to play with fire……. But I will also tell you “Don’t be surprised if the fire plays back on you someday.”


I always had this string of things about me, I have the look of otherness, the eyes that see things much too far ahead, and a thought process that wander off the edge of the world. You call it rebellious or unapproachable but to me the one who casts no shadow isn't really anyone at all. I am.


Some things can be both real and imaginary at the same time… And we are standing on the cross road. I am true. I am imaginary!!

Horizon to Hopes !!

The horizon to horizon clouded mantle spreads athwart till where my eyes can go. This is the magnificent and breathtaking moment I had awaited so long. The splatter that brings out the best of everything it touch is finally here. This is the Midas touch on mother earth. The freshness that disperses the purity of the green and the aroma that drives a tranquility of love for life is here...spreading its wings scope to possibility.

The gloomy days of black clouds overwhelms me when I gaze at the sky. There is no grey up there. The white beauty of snowy cloud has been reinstated by the black. There is authentically no consignment for the grey. I try to stature what is hiding behind the black-the rain or the rainbow.


The day is stunning, striking and hopeful. The day is mysterious and painful. It is beautiful with all the objects that crafts this day. This day is hopeful, trying to look across the horizon to perceive the coming tomorrow. Mysterious with all that I cannot identify, I cannot experience and I cannot distinguish- there is an arena occupied with panorama around. Far away from me, in the hiding, is a so faithful and so true voice, painful with the unpredictable is waiting right there.


How would I ever know- is it me, awaiting the rain or the rainbow???

Woman-Kind !!

Women are all one of a kind. Ages ago when the world belonged followed Patriarchy; the days would begin to fulfill the necessities of the fathers, brothers, the partners and the other men. A Woman would embellish the household and add on to the ornamentation of the world that the men were conquering. Then, one day, they looked out of the abode and walked the streets. “This isn’t bad either”, she said. The Man’s world was invaded.

Women are strikingly distinct in their own nature. She could be the one with the striking amalgamation of ambition and compassion, who would decorate her world in her way. She would do what she feels comforted of. She could also be the one living the life of the men with or around her - her father, her brother, her partner or her who ever. She would be the one seeking an approval for every step she takes. She would never want to go wrong or be criticized of her doings. She would want everyone to like her.
When we compared the life of both of them, we find out how they differed from each other. One loved her own self unlike the other.
The woman, who did not love herself, distinctively needed everyone to like her, since she did not like much of herself. She did not approve the world in which she was living. She was not the one doing what she wanted to do. She was doing what she was been asked to do, or what she was been programmed to do. She remained dismayed with herself.
Her counterpart other did not have a rose bed to herself either. Defeat, suffering and loss found her wherever she tried to hide. She fought her way out of it.

Both of them are sensitive, they are appreciative in their own ways, and they have their own understanding of life, compassion towards what they do, who they love and how they love.
The surrounding that domesticates them plays the vital role to make them the amazing ones. Amazing people just don’t happen, they have to be born from oneself and strike out. They have to stand apart, and they have to stand behind and watch. They differentiate from the commoners very early in life. They have a rebel within themselves complaining whenever there is a resistance. They are the difficult ones.
It is difficult to be difficult, but that is where it draws the line. It makes her more dominant. Deep inside her, she nurtures the desire of her conflicted heart. These aspirations of life are not brave enough and not mature enough to come out in the open and face the world when early in life. She has, now and then, allowed her the figments of this life and this has bestowed her with the moments of greatness in her life’s mundane events and activities.
With the nurturing, she has finally discovered the rebel inside.
And now, she is too obsessed with her freedom to accept the rituals and conventions of the household. She is, yet, too steeped in tradition and values to embrace a let go mores completely.
She is the difficult one….. Sometimes a challenge herself for her to face!! She is the desirable, the lucid one.

Dreams.....!!

Dreams are that essential part of us which we cannot give up. From Morning to midnight, from dawn to dusk, it is the dream that we want to reach out to. These dreams are not as big as walking the red carpet for the Golden Globe or discovering an unknown species in the African rainforests. We all have tiny, wee little simple dreams that we love to nurture and want to pursue.

To dream is one obsession but to accomplish it is another. The struggle, the hardship, the sensitivity where our heart churns to give up is more often than not very difficult to contemplate. So, stick along and stay put.

When I give myself the time I require to nurture my dreams, they enjoy the space they get to thrive. The day by day chores that we minimally cannot deny ourselves of, can do without attendance for a day. These activities that are so sweltering, confining and panic inducing would take a back seat and this breathtaking moment of thought work would construct a big part of my existence.

My existence has a time to meet, to discover, what I have walked so far to learn. While I am still pondering and getting up to turn to the next page, I am passing by episodes of my life, friends and foes. As I pass, I leave them behind. And when I finally reach where I have to, I see me all by myself. Leaving everyone while I walked up to here, the only person to count on will be me, its all about my very own dreams, after all.

Time and Me !!

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou.
How strong and yet how true the words are? The time we travelled together, however short or long it may have been, has taught us to be who we are. We managed to stay unruffled and not break apart. There have been times we detested each other or times we loved incessantly. In either times we have always wanted to be the shoulder that would sustain us from breaking apart. We stood strong all throughout and today when you move away far and further away, oceans apart, I would still be that shoulder for you to rest.

The limitations that we bound us with have let us be ourselves. The challenge today is the inner self. I know the thin line that separates me from being others and I know I can go beyond being me. We have lived in good terms with life. Life has been good to us or should I say, we have been good to life. Breaking even at the edge of challenges, I have found you standing there unknowing and untold. Is it the guiding angel or is it the success quotient of our life? I have always impressed myself by counting it as the success of our life.
.........We are the ones who are able to live it in our way !!

Work that Works me up...!!

A long break from writing. I have been tied out with the desk post and bound with deadlines lately.My fingers have given up on typing the cruel official emails. I voice has dimmed into a silence and my eyes strained looking at the undesirable screen of my work. With time,....I thought I would be drown and choked in work.

All these work stand thankless, all measurement of accolades are biased. The ethics of hard working diminishes into something not worthwhile. And here i stand, in-spite of the bruises to do what I love the most...I write.

All these days of being away from myself, I have been injected with a glossy and florescent office term -Professionalism.My heart out on this page, I wonder what Professionalism would be defined as.
Professionalism is more or less a defined perception of an individuals.Being Cordial is an extended definition of Professionalism for a population.For others, aggressiveness is..professionalism.
Striking a balance to the work we do and do our best in the work is typically professionalism. Twisting and turning the edges of being cordial or aggressive or blunders as long as these activities abide all business implications hold good to be named as professionalism at quote.